I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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