the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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