A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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