My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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