This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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