i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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