I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
