please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your cock deserves a montage
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
