I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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