She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
