Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
