and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
