i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
