Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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