if you like me you must not know who I am
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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