I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
