I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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