I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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