i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
