eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Even my vagina gasped.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
