dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
