There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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