im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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