So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
