can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
