chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
