Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
