I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
