I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
