Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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