you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
