Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
