I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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