He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
