If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
