Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
