an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
