i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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