Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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