shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
