i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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