Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
