Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
