You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
