First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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