8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
