There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
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Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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