just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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