I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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