i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
