I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
