Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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