he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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