a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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