I think I won the penis lottery.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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