I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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