I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
