dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
