The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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