so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
