My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
