I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
